fuckyeahreading!

8 ways to make bedtime stories more entertaining for you.

ponytailsandnorthface:

A few years back when I was completely immersed in graduate school my oldest asked me why I never read.  In my head I answered with a simple “I read all the time for school, I read to you every night, and I read magazines in the bathroom.”  But, I think it came out of my mouth more like “I READ!!!”  Since then, I finally read the Harry Potter series, and countless other books here and there that everybody has read.  I even read Lord of the Flies simply because I know I just pretended to in high school.  I even started to read some Jane Austen.

My oldest is an avid reader.  This is because since she was one, my husband and I always read two stories to her at bedtime.

Even when it was just her, and just the two stories, the task filled me with agitation.  I would get so bored.  It was night, I was tired, I had a full day. Let’s get this thing over and done with already.  Put everyone away and hit the hay.

When her sister started getting a little older, we were reading four stories each night.  I said “What about when #3 is ready for stories?  Do we have to read six?”  We figured the two young ones would each get one together and by that time the eldest would read to herself.  Fingers crossed.

The oldest does read to herself constantly but the two little ones still get two bedtime stories a piece.  The task still drives me absolutely insane.  Not because I don’t want quality time with my babies but because the stories are generally dumb.  We have bookshelves full of hundreds of children’s stories but we always read the same ones.   I try to wiggle out of it on occasion.  They cry and wail that they want mama to read the stories instead of daddy.  This makes no sense to me.  I make no effort to hide my disdain for the task yet I am still their prime choice. 

I realized tonight while I was reading the same four library books for the fourth night in a row, that I have quite a history with children’s literature and that I have done many things to make the job of reading them more enjoyable.

I complained immediately when the “Charlie and Lola” book was again chosen.  Despite the fact that we should really only support non-licensed characters, the designer of this book was an idiot.  The typeface constantly changes.  There is no static font or font size, and the paragraphs have no alignment.  Two pages in I yawned.  I asked if anyone wanted to change to a smaller story, but had no takers.  This seems to be the case with most of the books.  It’s 8:30 people.  I’m very tired. 

I started to give Lola a hilarious voice.  A gruff kind of dumb guy voice.  I got yelled at.  “DON”T SPEAK!!” I sat in silence.  “She meant don’t speak like that.”  This is when it occurred to me all of the dumb games I have made over the years to make the reading of bedtime stories more entertaining for me.  Because that is what it is really about.

Voices are #1.  Especially if they do not quite suit the character, I rarely get away with that one.  “The Saggy Baggy Elephant” is great for this.  I make the elephant big and dumb, the monkey is ghetto-street, and the fox talks like Samantha from “Sex and the City.”  Spongebob books also keep me entertained if they have Squidword in them, but the story is usually pretty lame.
 

#2.  Singing.  If I could sing a whole book I think I would enjoy it a lot more.  My children learned that I liked this and thusly put the kibosh on it.  There is a Clifford book that is a song.  I made up the tune even though it gives you music to follow.  My husband played it on the piano and said my version was better.

#3.  Seeing how far I can read without taking a breath.  This one is a lot of fun and makes the story go faster.  No one ever seems to notice unless I get real monotone.

#4.  Omitting a letter, or replacing a letter.  This one is a challenge.  I read “Poky Little Puppy” all the way through with no w.  On the penultimate page my oldest noticed what I was doing and said I was weird, or rather eird.  I have also tried replacing letters that have similar sounds.  All the r’s for w’s for instance was fun for “Going on a Bear Hunt.”  “Going on a beaw hunt, we’we going to catch a big one.  We’we not scawed!”  I love that my four year old has this memorized, but I hate that book. Seriously, you take your family on a BEAR HUNT and then freak out when you actually find one?  I don’t get it.  Why don’t they have any weapons and didn’t one person even think about what was going to happen when they actually found the bear?  It’s classic, I get that… but the story sucks.

#5.  Thinking of other things.  I force myself to think of other things during particularly wordy books.  This way I’m turning pages with no concept of the dribble I’m spewing and then get a happy surprise when I’m on the last page.  This works for any Berenstein Bear book, Magic Schoolbus, and the hardback renditions of Disney movies.  I choose to recount my day, tally how much money I’ve spent on recent shopping trips, and figure out what TV show I’m going to watch when the dog and pony show is over.  “Beauty and the Beast” had me thinking about sex until I started to feel bad because I was reading to my children.  I was told the devil puts those thoughts in your head during church, but during bedtime stories?  It was probably the wine with dinner.

#6.  Making my husband read.  He works a lot at night so when he is home I try to make it a big deal that he actually gets to read the stories.  This doesn’t work without a protest, I say “It’s mama’s night off…” and lay on the couch.  I occasionally have work to do and story time seems ideal since everybody is occupied, but lately I’ve just been laying on the couch.  I read through the American Girl Kit books, so now he is getting through the Rebecca series.  Although they are long and have few pictures, series have their advantages because I can say, “We can’t read that one without daddy!”

#7.  Keeping the same inflection, but changing the words.  Of course, this doesn’t always work so well with the older kids.  Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers are the real suckers.  It’s sort of like that classic scene in Three Men and a Baby when Ted Danson is reading the car magazine out loud.  I start the story regular but then start making things up.  Occasionally it is because the story is so mundane I need to add some spice, and sometimes it’s because it’s too wordy and I’ve been sitting there forever. My husband is the worst at this.  He will purposely skip pages – but the kids have read the story a thousand times and catch on quick.  He skips words, but makes no sense and loses his train of thought, and sometimes he is so tired and the story is so long that he starts to slur and drift off.  This usually ends in a lot of screaming and crying and small people yelling “READ! READ! READ!!!”  I on the other hand have become a bit of a champ at this.  My husband, sitting on the couch across from me doesn’t notice, and the kids are too interested in the illustrations to actually be listening.  If you have a plan going in to an unfamiliar long story it’s not that hard.

#8.  It comes full circle with the changing of voice, Accents!  Olé! Oiu Oiu!  Chop chop! Gutnachten!  “Do you want me to read like Mary Poppins?”  “This story was written in Germany!”   “Ohh la la, trés chic.”  My kids do not mind this one so much – if I warn them and basically ask permission.  It is great practice for all my voice disguising needs: like solicitor phone calls, ordering pizza intoxicated, my extensive voiceover work, and of course erotic bedroom fantasies. 

I know I didn’t really get read to as a child and I hardly had a book collection or a desire to pick one up.  I got an ereader for mother’s day and had it in my face most minutes this summer.  I was reading!  Now that it is back-to-school time and my work and days are busier, leisure reading has once again taken a back seat.  As we entered the girls’ gymnastics class the other day I held an armful of work to complete during the hour.  My oldest says, “Where is that Nook?  You never read anymore!”  This time I bit my lip.